Pack a bag and walk out the front door. Do not look back! Begin an adventure where the only things guiding and moving me forward are my feet, will to try something new along with the boring, crazy, scary, happy, dangerous, exciting and sad things that may happen along the way. This is a long running dream/fantasy of mine. Leave everything behind and start a journey that has no ounce of certainty to it. The point is not running away. I know all the troubles and things left behind will be standing firmly in place gleefully waiting for me when I return. The hope is that upon returning I will have found my path, developed a strong sense of belonging, a little direction and discovered the strength to take on the known. In my world, the known is more terrifying than the unknown can ever be. I can use the past to look into my future and develop a good idea of what life will be like in the years to come; sleep, work, clean, watch TV, daydreams, school and repeat in no particular order. Repeat, I am stuck on repeat. School, career and work are my biggest confusion, issue and misery. Working and finding a career path I don’t loath seems impossible. Right now I am simply worker drone, paying for things with hours of my life, shuffling around my workday like a zombie. Also caught in that spiral of needing to better myself financially through education but becoming financially trapped while doing it. I have convinced myself that a great adventure will help me discover who I am and what I am supposed to do because I can’t let go of the feeling that what’s going on right now is not it.
One would think I could find direction without such a resulting to such dramatic leap. I hope that I can. Taking such an adventure is not a part of my reality. The problem, I am chained to my situation by responsibility to loved ones, responsibility and moral obligation to share in the finances, provide emotional support and generally be present for those who need me. All this would have to stop in order to take my journey of self-exploration. Of course, there are other smaller obstacles keeping me from my big adventure like fear, it all sounds good in theory but I know how life goes. It never moves in the desired direction, many would say it goes in the direction one needs not in the direction one wants. “Life” doesn’t possess a conscious awareness or cosmic control over my path in life or anyone’s for that matter. That is a very positive coping mechanism for dealing with life’s inconsistencies and pitfalls but I just don’t’ buy it. Age is another factor (I am not “young” any more). I should have been in the mood for drastic adventures years ago but I wasn’t really awake then. Motivation is yet another problem. I am the great dabbler! Finding wonderful ideas holding on tight and basking in their glory for about five minutes in its then releasing my hold letting that idea fly unfinished out into the universe while quickly grasping onto the next grand idea.
At least the runaway club isn’t a lonely one and I can take solace in knowing many others share in this fantasy. Maybe the right opportunity will surface for even the smallest adventure satisfying the need to flyaway. For now I will continue to use my over active imagination and the ability to over indulge in fantasyland as a way to take my adventure. Let’s face it fantasy is always better than reality. Life is what you make of it, so they say. What do you do when you don’t know what to make out of life yet?